It Ends Tonight

Contrary to what most people believe in, I take Friday the 13th as my lucky day. Years passed by, and good things do happen to me on such day-date tandems. It was on a tv special where I learned of this ‘belief’. I remember asking my mom why the said day-date tandem was cursed. I can’t remember what she told me then. I just remember shrugging it all off. 

As I said, years passed by and good things happened to me during the said day-date tandem (whoo! I just love ‘saying’ that, day-date tandem, day-date tandem HAHAHA) I passed an auditions I wanted to pass, I got merit cards, and flowers and chocolates, and other goodies. And sooner rather than later, I began to think that my destiny may be in the exact opposite frequency than of most people. I mean, everyone CAN’T be on the same side of the boat, right? R. I. G. H. T. HAHAHAH. 

Being that today was one of those day-date tandems (I just really love saying that), I had it in me that today was my lucky day! Whoo. all the good things are on their way to me! But. Today was different. 

It isn’t exactly the best of days. Actually, it was kind of uneventful. And, again, contrary to what may seem to be my reaction, I didn’t feel frustrated nor was I disappointed. Yup, not even to the slightest bit. 

It is odd, I know that already. It was only after dinner did I realize why I didn’t feel so bad. 

My theory? I didn’t really expect anything pretty awesome to happen today.

All the good things that I claimed to happen on said day-date tandem turned out pretty well because they were premeditated. The grades, the auditions, they took so much effort and time and djhlsadkas;ds to turn out the way they did. As for the roses and tulips and chocolates, that I attribute to sheer coincidence. 

What I’m trying to say is, it is in my nature, similar to most people, to expect. But I think, shying away from such attitude is better. Why? because without any expectations, you won’t have to deal with frustrations of not being able to meet said expectaions. IT IS IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THOUGH that this is not about keeping yourself in the dark all the time. It’s just knowing what you DESERVE and not pushing for things to actually happen just because you think they HAVE to happen. 

[Heehee we talked about spontaneous reactions in biochem today]

On letting things happen spontaneously, things happen for a reason. The things we do, we do because we can. But, people are social beings, minding the effects of what you do to others is something we owe not only to others but also to ourselves. Our being social beings (whew.wordplay!!!) affects our state of mind and our sanity. I mean, punch someone, will you be able to sleep well that night? 

[we talked about our expectations for the class in polsci]

On expecting, it took so much. But, I think, I learned to keeping my expectations within the realms of reality, the hint of possible and synanous to ‘can happen’. But, I don’t close my doors to the impossible. It’s just that, in everything I do, I learn to give all that I can to achieve what I can. Surpassing the limits will come after. Oh expectations. After all, surprises are no fun when expected :)

[I love my notes in technicolor]

There’s just something about colors. heehee. they make me happy. :)

Today was the 2nd day of summer term. Swamped with the many things that keep me preoccupied, I find myself contemplating. (YESS.) Moments where I begin to just keep still (ANOTHER ACHIEVEMENT) and just think about anything. I find myself relating thermodynamic principle of enthalpy to my expectationz and yadayadayada.Geeky? Odd? HAHAHA. I don’t mind. It’s just so entertaining that everything is just so intertwined with the other. Funny. Isn’t it? :)

I have always loved reading. 

Yes, as geeky, nerdy, dorky and not to mention impossible as it may seem, I have always had a thing for books. I remember reading the Harry Potter books in 3 days… All 7 of them. I was quite a reader then. 

Yup. Then. College happened and somehow, I never had enough time to read the books. Sure, I had time to pick them up. But, it just never reached the reading part. I’d always end up having too much to do or too little energy left to keep my eyes from drooping. 

The last few days were different though. I’m back. I’ve been reading again. In a week, I finished 4 books! 

Then I realized (AHA another realization made out of random moments) reading got out of my system. But, it found it’s way back into me. Or rather, some part of me came back. Like I was relearning an old dance, or simply put, getting to know myself, again.

21 days makes so much sense, you know. 

After that 21 days, it was about going beyond what was there. It was about figuring out what exactly is in there. To find again (or finally find?) what was (has been?) there (all along?). 

Yes, 21days worked. But like any other medicine, it had side effects. You can’t have everything your way anyway. I’m just so glad I was able to do some of the things that I’ve really wanted to do for a while now. :) On to more reading. 

These are what I submitted for Fil14 bonus points. I had fun doing these. AHAHA. all the sarcasm and wit put into good use. #skillzthatkillzmehn. HAHAHA. 

Posting these here before deleting them permanently :) 

I have always been a fan of Maroon 5. Eheh. to be quite honest, of Adam sexy Levine. So, Adam’s version of If I ain’t got you just melts my heart away. Yes, melts in so many ways. 

And even if it IS finals week and even if I am in the eye of the storm, this song just keeps playing on my head day in and day out. No matter how many songs I end up listening to, this one song just keeps playing repeat. on and on and on and on… 

Do you believe in magic? how about magical moments?

No? Well, me too. But today changed things. 

I was walking towards the sanggu room this afternoon when I heard someone sing “If I ain’t you” What’s so magical right? what’s so magical, I ended up blogging about it?

Well, if you must know, what’s so magical is that the guy started singing the very same part I was singing IN MY HEAD. Talk about timing?! 

Creepy? Not really, it was actually funny. And “sweet”. I did not look at whoever was singing it. But, this precise moment made me smile all the way to my destination. Well, to be honest, the memory of it all just brings a smile upon my lips. 

I don’t know who was singing. It doesn’t really matter. And I don’t intend on implying he may be some significant person in my life. The circumstance altogether is just what keeps me so enthusiastic about it.

This just reminded me of how important timing really is. I mean, I could have been singing some other song in my head, he could have been singing just any other part of that song too but at that exact moment, we were on the same page. 

This made me think about the many permutations, the infinite possibilities of how that moment could have happened. It amazes that out of the many probabilities (sorry stat test tomorrow, can’t help using this word) that was how things turned out to be.

Coincidence, Serendipity, Fate. Could be any of these to account for what happened. In another perspective though, this may be because HE has a plan for all of us.

However you may want to interpret this, it does not really matter. It’s all up to you. As for me, this got me to think about things. Of how important timing is, of how one small detail can affect the big picture. It is about being careful. Then again, I realized that it is in the small things that we are affected. Like this small detail of my day, it affected how I see things.

Funny.

I have blabbed enough. Shall go back to studying. Timing.

i just watched the vow on my laptop. when, yes, i should be studying. it’s just that, my brain’s all too tired from all the thinking and mental processing. i just wanted to rest and have a good time. so i decided to watch the vow. channing

Hmm. I’m no movie expert but I really enjoyed the movie. And it got me thinking.

What if u wake up one day with all your memories from the last few years gone? If you think about this on your most crappy days, the decision would be easier. Like me, you’d think that forgetting a chunk of your memory will be fine. But, is it? will it be fine? More so, will it be fair? 

Escapist? Coward? Then again, maybe the person’s just too tired of having to deal with things that should be an older person’s concern. 

Short term memory loss. 

Memories lost. With no guarantee of ever gaining them back. Going back to the movie. I wonder, if this does happen to me, who would be those people who will help me remember? And never give up in the process of doing so…. Then again, no matter how thin you slice a potato there will always be two sides. That side we like and the one we fail to recognize almost all the time. 

Forgetting. 

It is not as easy especially if you see the fault of the other. Most especially if everything that you think, say or do can be attributed to that thing you’ve been trying to forget. The tricky part is that when we try to forget, the more effort we put in forgetting, the more we are reminded like some kind of mind inception, it just works that way.

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. Especially lately. Things have got me thinking. I ended up wishing I could just forget the last 2 years of my life. Grave much? A wee bit. Then I got to ask myself whether the memories of the bad stuff outweighs the good ones. It does. Does it?

Then again, it wouldn’t be fair. Oh The Vow. HAHAHA. 11th day. And it feels a wee bit better. A verdad, mi corazón esta roto. Se rompo en mil pedazos. Pero, aquí es mas importante, mas real, mas practico. Si, es muy difícil, muy difícil, tan difícil. Pero, parece ser cada vez mas fácil por el dia. Días mejores están en mi camino.

It has never been a fair fight.

Just when I was taking my break, you sneaked right behind me. I think this is why this pains me as much as it does now. Because I know that I lost not because I was incapable. Hell, I HAD SO MUCH POTENTIAL. I COULD HAVE WON. But, because I wasn’t there, I lost. And now, losing has never been this bittersweet.

Knowing what could have happened had I not turned my back kills me. Then again, no matter how thin you slice the potato, there will always be two sides. It’s this side that I use to keep myself convinced that there is little if not none at all opportunity lost. 

But really… every single time I think about it. It really was not fair. I may be holding on to something intangible, improbable… you see, I would not be holding on if it weren’t reaching out to me. Problematic? Yes. Very. Overly. Painfully. And yet, the music remains to play. The actors are still on stage and the show is still on. 

It isn’t easy now. I don’t think it will ever be. Not in the year future though.

It’s the little things that I keep going back to, the small things that make me think. but, I am not patient. Patience has never been one of my strengths. It may be my signal fire. what happens after the fire has consummed it all? 

The old jokes aren’t as funny. The small things that set me on laughing fit mode now just serves as stimuli for whatever neurotransmitter and hormones to activate the gates of my tear ducts. It’s just odd nao. But. then again, on to an adventurous trip to whatever lalalalalalalaland next. 

I miss the past. but, I know in my heart, I’m going to love the future. For now, bare bear with me. Iznatgoing to be easy from here on. Iz nat meant to be easy. Iz going to be hard. Real hard. Challenge accepted. 

Note to self: Fight fairly. 

Todas mis acciones están dirigidas a usted. Bueno, eso es lo que solía ser. Las cosas están cambiando. Es primavera, después de todo. A la esperanza. Para la esperanza. Para ser mejor. Creo que eres importante para mí. Pero, yo soy más importante para mí. Por lo tanto. esto termina aquí. Gracias, por cada cosa.

These pictures were taken last saturday, 3rd of March. Lai wanted photos of us to keep for when she leaves Ateneo. And poof, plans for this funshoot began to unravel until said date. We got my blockmate, Albert, to take the photos. And well, we decided to wear white. HAHAHAHA. 

To the year that was, and to the year that will be. <3